The Midnight Betrayal

Every since I was a teenager, the midnight hours were the time I felt the pressures of life lift. The stillness of the night would ignite my creativity, provoke relaxation, and prompt major introspection. But in the last few years, that's when all the pressures of my life seem to find me and weigh me down the most. My thoughts are marching and sometimes racing through my head. My creativity is stifled and disconnected. And sleep is... Well, I don't know what sleep is. Even when I do fall asleep, I'm accosted by my thoughts in the form of high activity dream schemes. I wonder what the cause of this flip flop is.

Part of the problem is my family. For some reason, my sister, who is staying with us because she's unemployed, does not sleep at night. She stays up and watches television all night. The sound of the television gets on my nerves. The voices from the television competes with the voices of the characters for the book and plays I'm writing. And not only does my sister stay up all night, my mother is also invading my late night hours. She stays up half the night, watching westerns or the sci-fi channel. She even decides to do housework at three o'clock in the morning.

I wish they would go to bed and leave me with that time to myself. They have truly taken away from why night time was so special to me. In the past, the night time hours were the time I would use to be by myself. I would often use that time to study, write, or read. I wouldn't even listen to music or watch television. I was glad enough to be with my thoughts or the power of creativity.

I got to figure out a way to get my night time hours back. Whether I’m using the night time for conscious relaxation, sessions of creativity, or blissful sleep doesn’t make any difference to me. I just need my friends, the moon and the stars, to romance me again.

A Little Bit More Randomness from Yours Truly

Hello Readers!
Every now and then, I post some of my "random thoughts. Well, here's the latest edition of my random thoughts about very specific things."

1. I love, love, love the ABC hit show, Scandal!!!!!!!! I can't say that I've been this excited about watching television in a long time. I think that the show is awesome. It's full of smart drama, which keeps my brain happy. It's fast pace, which is very accommodating to my undiagnosed ADD. And it's dialogue heavy. The more wordy a show is, the more I can follow it. Action packed shows and movies are fine, but it's often too visual. So, that doesn't make for good television or movie watching for me.
I hear that certain networks are offering visual descriptions for a few hours of programming per week. I need to look into that. I think that may be cool!

2. I also love to watch murder mystery and/or true crime shows, like Snapped, 48 Hours, and Cold Case Files. My friend says that I'm a weirdo. He thinks I'm too caught up on shows and books that glorify murder. I think that I'm just a sucker for a good story. And the one thing I love about those shows is the narration. I don't have to wonder what's happening on the screen. The narrator tells the whole story, often describing the crime scene and even what the people looked like. I guess this is why I like to watch most documentaries. That reminds me... Other than my true crime shows, I haven't seen a good documentary lately. I need to go to Netflix and find one to watch. Any suggestions?

3. Trying to find a bedspread or any home decor, for that matter, is quite difficult when you can't see. I simply don't know what I like anymore. Well, I do know that I like nice stuff. I like items that are well made and beautiful. But what's beautiful to a blind person. Perhaps what others tell me is beautiful? But wait a minute... What's beautiful to one person is not beautiful to another. So, who do I believe? Now, do you understand why it's so hard for me to pick out a new comforter and pictures for my room?

4. Last week, I traveled inside one of the buildings at TSU with my cane. It was fun to be back in the saddle again. I don't get to use my cane that often these days. Working from home keeps me in the house most of the time. So, cane travel is not something I get a chance to do that often. I need to start getting out more. I don't want to lose my good cane skills or the little traveling confidence I have.

5. Last week, my aunt, who stays mad at me, told me that I was blind, stupid, and cursed." Well, she was right about one of those three things. So glad I don't believe everything people say to me or about me. Otherwise, I would be blind, stupid, and cursed for real!

Well, that's it for now.

Oh, before I sign off, I have one request. Spread the word about NuVision for a NuDay. Share my posts on Facebook, Twitter, and any social networking site you're on. The more the merrier!!!!!

Peace and light,
Angela Braden

Happy 7th Anniversary to NuVision for a Nuday!

I'd like to thank all of the intentional readers and unintentional stragglers that visit my blog. You are the reason why I keep writing and posting! Again, thank you!

Dear NuVision,
It's been a fun ride for the last seven years. Forgive me for trying to cut you loose throughout our time together. You've been there for me when no one else would listen to my rambled thoughts, rants, memories, and emotional commentary. Sorry that I've underestimated your value in my life. Here's to another great year together!
Love,
Angela Braden

P.S. I won't forget you when my book comes out.

Touched by a Reader of NuVision for a NuDay

"My name is Gabriel Campero and I'm a reader from Venezuela.
I visit your blog from time to time, and I always appreciate the courage and sincerity with which you share your life and thoughts.
Your posts have been moving and uplifting. In the highest sense of those words.
Please keep up posting, even if it is sporadic. You have a gift: the ability to touch others through your words.
I remember having read that you were working on your memoirs. I wish you much success in that project. I'm sure they will be a fantastic reading experience, which will be able to influence people.
Today I want to thank you for your words on this blog. At least in one opportunity, they have reached across the ocean, across the darkness, and given strength and optimism to a fellow human-being, in very different life conditions. I beg you, don't close the door for that possibility."

Thank you, Gabriel!!!!!!! You've inspired me to keep writing! Thanks for adding to my strength and optimism as it pertains to this task of sharing my voice on the web!
All the best to you!
Angela L. Braden

I'm on my way!

I'm in the process of writing my first memoir. I've been on this journey for a couple years now. Starting and stopping as the spirit of faith or fear hits me. I've come to the conclusion that I need to write as if my life depends on it. I cannot allow fear, family medical problems, and even my personal health to distract me from achieving my publishing goals. I will be a published author!!!!!!! I declare it!

I've recently connected with a writing coach to help me access and utilize all the tools to construct a beautiful memoir. My writing coach, who is a New York Times' best selling author, actually gave me a good review of the first 15 pages of my manuscript. She gave me some constructive criticism that I absolutely needed to help me make definite improvements to my memoir. I'm hoping that at the end of the month, I can submit at least 100 pages of my manuscript to her for critical review and feedback.

I've also been researching literary agents that I believe will be a good fit for me. While I'm kind of afraid to be rejected by dozens of literary agents, I'm not going to allow my fear to paralyze my efforts to aquire agent representation this year. I'm resting in the idea that God will connect me with the person that I need to be connected with. It shall happen!

I'll keep you all posted as I carve out this specific block of my life into my first published memoir.

Taking Care of Me

It's been so easy to shove my health to the side as I've cared for others. I'm now having to correct what I've neglected over the years. Even now, I'm tempted to shuffle my list of priorities and move me down a few rungs. But I'm forcing myself to think of myself, to consider myself, to love myself, to care for myself, to restore myself, to nourish myself, and to protect myself.
Where do you fall on your list of priorities?
"Loveth thine self as you loveth others." Braden 1:1

Glaucoma, Blindness, Doctors, and Angie

Earlier this week, I had an eye exam by an ophthalmologist that was completely unfamiliar with the extensive history of my infamous eye condition. I was very pleased that this particular physician didn't rush through my visit, just because I have one totally blind eye and one fake eye. Even though I informed her that the effort to save my eyesight ended twenty years ago, she still took the time to carefully examine my eye as if “preventative treatment” was even a possibility.
For about ten to fifteen minutes, she thoroughly examined the exterior, interior, and back of my eye to make sure that additional diseases hadn't set up shop in my already battered eye. I appreciate her patience and commitment to comprehensive care.

I’m very glad that my Glaucoma seems to be in remission, if you will. However, I do find it interesting that my Glaucoma seems to be well behaved now that all of my sight is gone. I haven’t had a drop of Glaucoma medication in over ten years. When I was being pillaged and assaulted by Glaucoma in the 80’s and 90’s, I couldn’t get enough medicine or have enough surgeries. It almost seems like it was fate for me to be blinded by Glaucoma.

During my eye exam, I gave the doctor a quick synopsis of how, why, and when I lost all my sight. It’s a story I tell often, being that people always want to know “what happened” to me. I’ve learned how to give a painless, well packaged run down of my thirty year story in about three minutes. However, when I get a chance to tell my story to someone that understands ophthalmologic conditions and treatments, I’m all too eager to share the gritty details. And usually, the ophthalmologic professional is all too eager to listen. It’s a story that is unglamorous, but incredible in so many ways.

After I finished telling my story, I engaged in a little name dropping. I told her that I was once a patient of Dr. Ronald Gross, one of the rock stars in the field of Glaucoma care. As I expected, she perked up even more and started singing her praises of Dr. Gross. She told me how he has saved the sight of so many. “Too bad I wasn’t one of those many people he helped save their sight.” I thought.

The truth is that Dr. Gross did everything he possibly could to try to save my sight. He tried new medication, groundbreaking surgical techniques, and even allowed us to pray for him before operating on my eyes. But despite his best efforts, I still lost all of my sight. I don’t blame him though. As I aforementioned, it almost seems that Glaucoma was supposed to win. Dr. Gross was just on the losing team when it came to this particular patient.

Although Dr. Gross didn’t succeed at saving my sight, he did save my life. He joined the ranks of individuals that ignited a fire in me to overcome the perils of blindness. He took an interest in the whole me, and not just in my eyes. He always asked me about school. And he always told me I can be anything I wanted to be. I believed him. And I even loved him very much. He was indeed my doctor, but he was also a source of compassion and strength.

My new ophthalmologist informed me that Dr. Gross is leaving Houston and moving to West Virginia. I did a Google search tonight and found the press release that discusses his new opportunity.
http://wvuhealthcare.com/wvuh/Content/Media/News-Releases/2012/DEC/Dr-Ronald-L-Gross-to-lead-WVU-Eye-Institute?feed=News-Releases-RSS

Reading that press release swept me back to 1987 when Dr. Gross first started working for Baylor as the new Glaucoma specialist. My former doctor had committed suicide and left a stable of patients that needed immediate medical treatment. I was one of them. So, Dr. Gross got to work on my very sick eyes right after taking the new position. I was only 13-years-old. I didn’t even know that my former doctor had committed suicide. I only knew he had died. The staff at the clinic and my parents thought I was too young and fragile to learn of the real reason my doctor was dead. I’m not sure if Dr. Gross was in on the secret. I do know, however, that he was all too aware of the challenges associated with my eye diseases. And he bravely accepted the challenge to try to help me.

Dr. Gross took care of me for nearly fifteen years. The only reason I stopped seeing Dr. Gross was because of insurance changes. If I could, I would still be in his chair, allowing him to look in the eyes that were there when he started his career at Baylor.

I loved him when I was a kid. And as creepy as it may seem to some, I love him now. I sincerely wish him the very best.

Next week, I’m going to find out when and if he’s left Houston already. I think it is only appropriate that I send him a going away/congratulations/appreciation gift. He is truly a historical figure in the life pages of Angela Braden.

Good luck, Dr. Gross!

New Chapter?

This has been my home on the web since March of 2006. When I started this blog, my voice was incredibly unique.
there were hardly any bloggers that provided random stragglers on the web a look into their personal life. So, whenever I got tired and/or bored with my blog, I pushed myself to keep writing. I wanted to do whatever I could to lend my voice to a population of people that needed to be heard.
Now, there are hundreds of blogs that provide thousands a chance to read about their daily triumphs, struggles, joys, and disappointments with disability. Some disability bloggers enjoy great traffic and constant feedback from readers. yay for them!
Lately, I honestly do not feel the burden to maintain this blog like I did a few years ago. I feel that there are others to hold up the light; and many of them can do it a lot better and more consistently than me.
Furthermore, because I'm taking so much time working on other goals, it's very difficult for me to make this blog a priority. So, I've really been considering letting this boat float out here in the waters of the world wide web, unmanned, but still with direction.
I know I've thrown this arrow out here a few times, only to continue posting on NuVision for a NuDay. However, this time, I'm going to make a final decision if this month will be my last month posting on this blog. When I make my decision, I will let you all know. Sounds fair?
Until then, be well and prosperous.
Angela L. Braden

This morning, I spent ten minutes, trying to convince the appointment desk at Kelsey Seybold that I qualify for a visit with an ophthalmologist rather than an optometrist. Their response… Well, you need to see an optometrist too be evaluated for glasses or contacts. My response… Sir, contacts and glasses will not help me. Their response… Well, ophthalmologists see patients with eye diseases that require future visits with an actual eye doctor. My response… Sir, I do have chronic eye diseases. I have Glaucoma and Uveitis. And I’ve had it for 30 years. And my eye diseases have not been nice to me over the years.
Result… I still have to be seen by optometrist first, being that I haven’t been to the eye doctor at Kelsey Seybold in a few years. That appointment will determine if said eye diseases are still present and chronic. While I think that’s a waste of my time, I guess I have to go with the flow.
Last comment from the appointment guy… Be sure to arrive 15 minutes early. And bring your glasses or contact lens to the appointment.
My silent response… Yeah, I’ll make sure I bring my fake eye to the appointment.
My audible response… Thanks…

I'll post an update on the 1st of February to tell you guys about my routine eye exam, that I am sure will not be so routine when the first level eye doc looks into the one eye I have left, only to see a completely damaged optic nerve, a swollen cornea, and scarred tissue. Again, this visit will be a waste of my time and $35 copay.

1+1+1=1

Nearly two decades ago, I dreamt that twenty-year-old Angela came face to face with a variant of herself that was ten years younger. The interaction was awkward, but loving in a strange way. The two Angela’s were obviously the same, but so unfamiliar with each other. Contained in the ten years that stood between the identical, but unidentical pair were experience with loss, disappointment, separation from loved ones, fear, grief, illness, and unimaginable challenges.

The younger version of the two quietly exhibited innocence. Seemingly, she was untouched by hardship and quite capable of trusting. Her skin was dewy and smooth, free of blemishes, and absent of any real signs of aging. Her brown eyes were soft, beautiful, and hopeful. Her wavy, dark brown hair was pulled in two ponytails that dangled on each side of her round face.

The older version had a girlish, yet pensive expression that rested on her face. She still looked young, but she definitely possessed the twists and curves of a blossoming flower. Her skin was clean, clear, but not as new as the young child. Her wavy, dark brown hair was pulled in a unassuming bun on the back of her head. Her brown eyes had seen so much and had not seen enough. She almost appeared to be sad and snagged with covert Sinicism. But when she noticed herself, the younger version of herself, the sadness on her face melted and was replaced with unexpected awareness and sincere compassion.

The younger of the two obviously didn’t know what was waiting for her down the road. However, the mature replica was all too aware of the challenges that were waiting on the young child. Self love inspired the older girl to wish that she could save the young child of what seemed to be their shared destiny. But because it was indeed destiny, there was little the oldest girl could do to ward off the inevitable.

The younger child seemed to be aware that the future version of herself knew something she didn’t know. She seemed to understand that the older girl could not betray their destiny by attempting to reveal a truth that she probably wouldn’t understand or would not even be prepared to cope with. It was clear that the younger girl desired to trust her older self. So, she did.

The two versions of one girl, took each other hands and locked their resolve to love, trust, and add to each other’s worth. Envy, misunderstanding, and deceit would not live between them. Instead, love, understanding, and strength would bind them together. And together to two girls would triumph over what was to come for both of them.

Today, I think of that dream. Both versions of my earlier self are both so far away from me. I wish I could reach back and protect both of them. I wish I could hold and comfort them. I wish I could even be them from time to time. And then, I realized that I am them. While I cannot protect them, I can hold and comfort them. And they can hold and comfort me. All three of us are partners in this journey that has become my life. And each of us adds to the encompassing value of Ms. Angela Braden.

It’s wonderful to be loved, trusted, admired, and comforted by others. It’s even more fantastic to be loved trusted, admired, and comforted by oneself.

All rights belong to the author of this piece: Angela L. Braden

Blindness Plus... I don't think so!

As I mentioned in the blog post I wrote the other day, I am having some problems with my right shoulder and arm. The docs believe I have a issue with one of my discs in my neck that's causing pain to radiate from my shoulder down through my arms and finally in my fingers.

Some days the pain is not so bad. I actually forget about it. But I guess when the pain wants a little of my attention, it starts jumping up and down on that disc in my neck. The pain cannot be ignored, despite my best efforts to not let it get the best of me. Most nights, I cannot sleep well. And most days, especially when I'm using my arm, I feel the soarness and sharp pain traveling down my arm. Even when I type, the pain starts working on me. I have to take breaks after about fifteen minutes of typing, just to give my arm some relief. Of course, this is not good for a woman that teaches on a college level and takes graduate level courses. So far, I'm not falling behind with my work on my job. However, my graduate school work has taken a hit. I hope I can recover before the end of the semester.

The other day, I had a nerve conduction test to see if there's some issues with the nerves in my arm. I suspect that I will have a MRI some time next week. I start physical therapy in a few days. Hopefully, the docs and physical therapists will help me resolve this issue quick, fast, and in a a hurry. The last thing that this chica needs in her life is an additional disability. No can do! Blindness is inconvenient enough. So, not having good use of my arm would only make my life more physically challenging. I don't want any part of that.

So, if you believe in prayer, ask God to connect whatever that's disconnected, mend whatever is broken, and correct whatever that is wrong. Thanks a bunch!

My Random Reflections (?th Edition)

It's nearly 3:00 in the morning. Instead of sleeping or doing homework, I'm sitting here in my comfy chair thinking about my life. I figured this is a good time to continue my never ending series of "random reflections" on my blog. Here's the latest.

1. Back in April something happened to my right arm. I don't know if I injured it by carrying something too heavy or if I slept in a compromising position. All I know is that since then, my right shoulder, all the way down to my fingers, has been hurting off and on. The docs are investigating to see if I have a pinched nerve in my neck. Although I hope that's not what it is, I hope they get to the bottom of this soon. The pain is almost impairing my functional use of my arm. And I don't need any added disabilities in my life. So, we need to come up with a way to treat me of this condition quick fast and in a hurry.
In the morning, I'm having a nerve conduction test done. I heard they can be very painful. Pray that I don't cry during the test. I'll update to let you guys know how that went.

2. I'm in great need of a vacation. Does anyone want to sponsor me a trip away from Houston? I need an escape!

3. I'm really upset with our state's vocational rehab agency. I'm trying to figure out what my next step should be. What I am clear on is that I don't like the idea of going to war with the agency. There has to be a way to cooperatively work through this. I'm determine to find it. Keep in your prayers as I determine which direction to go.